Waking up

"When you have woken up, it is hard to go back to sleep."

My therapist was not talking about a sleep disorder. She was talking about consciousness. I find her statement quite on the mark today.

I still wish I could take a little nap now and then though.


I had a comment on my last post which brought tears to my eyes.

"I am sorry of your pain."

Knowing that there are people who care enough to express such simple profound compassion keeps me moving forward. So thank you, precious, for being you and for loving me the way I am.

reality...

There's no place left to run or hide.

I realized recently just how many ways I tried to get away from reality. The years of alcoholic drinking, the computer games and the virtual world, and the pursuit of seedy distractions no longer hold my attention. I still find myself wanting to escape reality sometimes. Reality has been in my face and painful recently.

I reminded myself while talking with a friend, "The only way out is through." Intellectually, I've known this. I still don't like it.

The Waves

Waves crashing,
Smashing,
Beating head and body,
Dragging me down.

Hammering waves,
Over and over
The Sea of Blame attacks,
Relentless.

Drowning,
Choking,
Breathless,
Assaulted by unceasing currents.

Undertow pulling down again,
Sweeping me out to sea,
Lost in that murky churning world,
Surrounded by the flood of emotions.

Alcoholic, addictive personality, transgendered;
A list of my problems
Sends new waves overflowing,
Suffocating me under watery fury.

Fighting to surface,
Gasping,
Afraid,
Exhausted.

Which wave will be the one,
To pull me under for good?
Too tired to fight for air,
Will I surrender?

Clawing and crawling,
Desperate aching,
Invisible lifelines,
Helping me to shore.

I stand to face
Waves that would drown me,
Furious at the forces,
Pounding me into submission.

I gasp for air,
Lungs finding life,
Safe place found
For a moment on the shore.

DON’T YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I HURT?
POUNDING AWAY AT ME
TILL I FEEL
COMPLETELY BEATEN DOWN?

UNRELENTING WATER,
DO YOU NOT CARE?

I FEEL LIKE A MONSTER,
FREAK,
TERRIBLE,
HORRIBLE,
WORTHLESS.

DOES MY SUFFERING AFFECT YOU AT ALL?

Watching the surf
Eroding the sands
I wonder if the raging sea
Will hear my screams, or
Feel my pain.

A year later...

I came out to my wife, M, as transgendered just over a year ago now, so I had been reflecting recently. What a difference a year makes!

I had set out with a relatively simple set of goals for expressing my femininity.

-Wear feminine undergarments
-Be able to go to TG support meetings or outing once every month or two dressed
-Make some face-to-face friends like me
-Grow hair out long again
-Pierced ears (both)
-Remove body hair (shave)

And I have done those things. I talked with my wife prior to shaving my chest and getting my ears pierced about desiring these changes. She reluctantly agreed to me shaving my chest, and probably would not have ever said “yes” to me getting both ears pierced. But she knew what was coming, a change for me in dealing with how I express myself with her. I have been going to the local Tri Ess meetings for a year, and I attended Be All in June. I have maintained not going out en femme from home, in keeping with my wife’s wishes, in part because our children do not yet know about that part of me (more about the kids in a bit). My hair is now long enough to put in a pony tail low or middle. And I have one person I consider a friend that I met in the past year.

The last year was really rough on our marriage. For the first few months, M cried a lot and I felt guilty for causing her so much pain. Fortunately, I also continued in therapy and began addressing the guilt and codependency that keep me from saying how I feel. As months rolled by, I realized that M and I had issues in our marriage that had been there since the beginning, and that those issues were a real threat to us staying together. I started speaking up. I believe that finding my voice may have been as rough on our marriage as my transness.

Recently, I began talking with my therapist about telling my children, daughter 10 and son 16 about me. M has always wanted me to tell them so she does not have to keep my secret. I also decided that I would tell my parents, as I don’t think it fair to expect my daughter to necessarily keep it from them. While I am not in a rush, I anticipate this step to take place sometime this autumn.

Last week, we spent a few days without our kids in Door County, WI for a little vacation time to ourselves. While I did not dress en femme at all, as M is not comfortable with the seeing me much less the possibility of somebody she knows seeing me, we continued to talk, including coming out to the children and my parents. There were a few good little signs, like taking my shirt off to get intimate with her and she did not freak out about my shaved chest. She even let me put on her lingerie robe… for 30 seconds. And when we were out to dinner, and the waitress started with “Good Evening, Ladies” – she corrected herself when I looked up – M and I were able to laugh about it. Little things, yet big to me in signaling hope that we might be make some little progress over time.

So we trudge along a day at a time, with just a tiny bit of hope that we can work through the problems we face.

Vacation time

Time has come for summer vacation. Almost one year since I came out to my wife. I have some reflections to try to write out on this past year. My goal is to do so either during the vacation or shortly thereafter.

I sure am at the end of putting up with getting yelled and snarled at, then told why such treatment is perfectly legitimate.